F… The Journey, It’s a Battle!

WARNING: This post has been edited from containing an inappropriate amount of curse words. Yes, my vocabulary is small; and no, I am not going to build it up by reading the dictionary, but I attempted reduce the amount of damage!

OK, I have talked about the weight loss journey, the Ph.D. journey, and who know what in the hell other journey’s that I have been on. Today, is about the darn weight loss journey!

I think the biggest B.S. thing, complaint, or whatever you want to call it, is that I am realizing that this journey really is a life long battle right now. Why in the world do we call it a journey? To me, a journey is supposed to be fun and adventurous…I guess with some trials and tribulations. This SHIT is NOT THAT!

Fun? I guess it can be when you are doing the right thing and feeling good about it. However, right now it is hard, sad, and so easily pushed off track. It contains doubts about yourself (myself) and doubts about your ability to achieve (my ability to achieve).

So let’s clarify…I have come close to reaching my weight loss goal, which can be both awesome and great. Although, do you know what I have yet be able to do? Maintain that shit! Like WHAT IN THE WORLD IS WRONG WITH ME!!

OK, let’s take a step back to fill you in some. I was born early in the morning on a summer’s day…oh, not that far back! OK, I am in a place in my life where I often feel overwhelmed, you know, because this ding dong decided that it was a bright idea to go back to school to obtain her PhD. Oh, and then the pandemic hit…and bam extra pounds hit with that too. But nooooo, this special person lost the weight of the pandemic, started to exercise and feel good again (by the way…I like to exercise…so AGAIN, WHAT IN THE WORLD!), and then I slowly started to gain the weight back. Just enjoying overeating junk that tastes so good but makes me feel like crap. Isn’t that the weirdest contradictory thing. I am going to eat this stuff that tastes really good — that has no nutritional value — and then physically and mentally feel like crap…and then do that shit again! You know what makes this really hard…I am self-aware and I am a therapist who is trained on how to change behaviors!!! RIGHT!! SMDH (I hope that means shaking my damn head, cause I am really not good at using these young people acronyms). Any who…where was I…I start to gain weight back…but wait…I start to get to the gym regularly again and guess what happens. CRUNCH!!  Yes, that is exactly what happened. I stood up after a hard leg day and my knee made that noise! So, I am still in my doctoral program, supposed to be working on developing my dissertation topic, working, working some more because this person picked up another job to get “research experience,” and then CRUNCH!  Well, here I am almost 5 months later, gained all my weight back I had lost the year prior — but I got a new knee!!

(I made the new knee part sound exciting in my head when I said it, but I am really not that excited about it. It scares the shit out of me…but that’s a different topic for a different day. I am still here to complain about my life choices that I am making for myself and how I am making myself feel terrible and uncomfortable in my own body, so let’s continue.)

I am at the point in my recovery where I should be exercising to build my strength back up in my leg, and I can definitely do some upper body stuff. Oh, and the only thing stopping me from eating what I should be eating, is me! I would like to identify the other forces in my life that make it difficult to eat healthy, but when it comes down to it…it’s me and my darn head and struggles. Disclaimer…As I write all this I really want to say that I am not intending to body shame anyone. I am not against anyone and I am not saying anything about anyone’s else’s body or weight. There are a lot of people out here who are looking good and feeling good about who they are in their own skin…and many times I wish I could be like that. But that’s the thing. I don’t feel good in my own skin. And I have really thought through the possibility of this being societal expectations that I am now placing onto myself. And the answer is yes, it is that. But, it is also that fact that I just don’t feel good. When the fat gets in my way from bending and turning, or being able to wipe myself how I typically do, it’s a problem for me! When my labs come back with some red flags…it’s a problem for me.  OK, let’s get the other smack in my face out. Not only am I a clinical social worker…I am a personal trainer. Now what do you have to say for yourself LIAT? 

LIFE IS HARD IF YOU DON’T TAKE CONTROL OF IT AND WORK TO KEEP IN CONTROL! I have not been working to keep it in control. I want it to just automatically happen, and guess what…my relationship with food is not one that I believe will ever just automatically happen. It’s gonna be a constant battle, at least right now, and maybe one day the battle will lesson and it will become a trial and tribulation that I can talk about like a speed bump in the road on my journey! But today, nah, I need my sword!

Note. If anyone has gone so far to read (or listen) to this and you are interested in helping me through my battle so I can go back to calling it a journey…please comment and let me know if you would be interested in a weekly virtual meet up to stretch and start moving your body with me! No monetary cost, just your time and the willingness to move as we complain!