Where’s Liat? MIA

Missing In Action

It’s been a long time since my last post.  I would like to start out with an apology to all who supported me in this new journey just to turn around and watch me disappear.  Life took a hold of me, swung me around, and spit me out!  Okay, maybe not…but that’s how it feels sometimes.  Life didn’t grab a hold of me…I grabbed my life, shook it up, turned it upside down, and then cried about my life decisions!!!

Alright, let me fill you in…

Over a year ago I made a decision to go back to school.  And to be honest, it was one of the toughest decisions that I made.  It included a lot of soul searching, trying to understand my purpose and the purpose in returning to school, talking to my family, consulting with friends, and a whole lot of crying.  When I sit back and think about it, the crying part seems strange.  Why cry about deciding whether I want to go back to school?  I don’t know if I will ever fully have that answer, but what I do know is that I was scared.  I was scared to not only abruptly change my life, but my families.  I was scared of the effort, the amount of work, and quite honestly I was scared of failing.  What if I take the GRE and bomb it? What if I apply and I don’t get accepted?  What if I get accepted and I flunk out?  Or, what if others discover that I’m a fraud and find out that I really don’t know anything?  (Ugh…those damn inner thoughts can really mess a person up!!)

I remember having a conversation with my mother.  I told her that I was scared about going back and trying.  I was scared that dyslexia would prevent me from getting through this next step in my education.  A master’s degree was hard enough, but writing a dissertation…you gotta be kidding me.  My mom told me that I needed to apply, that she has watched me accomplish so much in my life, that I needed to keep going and not let fear hold me back…as she wished she didn’t allow her fear to hold her back.  So you know what I did…I cried some more!!

Today, I am proud to say that I am more than halfway through my first semester of being a PhD student.  There has been many obstacles getting to this point.  I committed to studying for the GRE, completing the application process, writing a paper explaining why I wanted to get my PhD, and so much more.  The reality of knowing that if I got accepted, I would be leaving my family home to stay in an apartment throughout the week away from my husband and son.  I wrestled with the conflicting concepts of being a bad mother who left her family to being a role model for chasing her dreams.  So, I have surrendered to the idea that I am a role model mother who uses technology to keep in touch and drives many miles every week to spend quality time with my family!

Life surely has been different, and as stated earlier, I continue to question my life decisions some days.  But most days, I work hard to keep a float and meeting all the deadlines and expectations.  Expectations…lets end with that!  I have been guilty of having expectations too high for myself.  I believe that we should have expectations for ourselves, I believe we should work hard to reach those expectations, but I really screwed up when I set some unrealistic expectations.  The only thing unrealistic expectations do is make you feel miserable.  Set them, just make sure they’re within reason…otherwise you’re just setting yourself up to feel like a failure even when you’re succeeding!