It’s My Birthday and I’ll Cry if I Want To

You would cry too if this happened to you.  

It is really my birthday today…and I’m pretty excited about it.  I always enjoyed and looked forward to my birthday. I feel like your birthday is your little holiday that is just meant for you.  It’s also an excuse to do the things that you want to do for your special day. But in all reality as I am typing this…I realize that you should be using any day to do special things for yourself and others in your life…but oh well, back to me…it’s MY birthday!

Today I’m crying (which is why this post does not have a recording) because I had to watch my son drive off.  On one side, I’m blessed that I got to see my oldest son on my birthday before he left. On the other side, my son just left and I know that he will be gone, he will be deployed and I am not sure when I will get to see him again.  This is reality for so many people. It made me think about when my husband was deployed for a year. It was, in some ways, that same feeling watching him leave…but in other ways it was different. It’s knowing that this is your son that you gave birth to, raised, took care of, disciplined, loved, laughed with and could have killed yourself…but in the end, it’s your child.  This child that you are sending out into the world, but not only sending out into the world…I’m watching him leave as he will eventually be deployed to protect this country. All of this while I am sitting in bed under my covers with the privilege of typing my thoughts in the middle of the day.

I talked to my parents last night and they asked me if I was anxious.  I told them no and asked why. They were anxious to watch their grandson leave, as they had to say goodbye to him last night.  Earlier this week I decided while he was home I wasn’t going to worry about what was to come. I made a conscious decision to stay in the moment and enjoy the time that I had with him.  I have to say that I loved every second of it.

But everyday, I understand a little more.  

Not too long ago, I decided to drive my son’s car to his base by myself.  It was a lengthy drive, although I had planned on taking 2 days to get there, especially since I left after work one evening.  While on my drive I got a message from my husband saying that my parents had called asking were I was and if I had stopped yet.  I called my parents (hands free of course) and talked to them as I drove. During this time, they were trying to convince me to pull over and stop at a hotel.  One tactic my dad used was to convince me of things that could happen.

Anxiety is a good thing…it can help us plan, prepare and keep ourselves safe…but too much of it can be paralyzing.  

I smiled though, as I knew he was worried about me…but I was not going to take on his anxiety as if it was mine. So, I continued to talk and laugh…and eventually found a hotel to stay for the night.  That night I laughed and thought to myself…I am a grown adult and my parents still worry about me.

As a parent, that worry will never go away.  The best that you can do is control it…and work to not place that fear onto your children to prevent them from living their lives.  To my oldest…I love you, I will always pray for God to watch after you. But, you will always be my baby no matter how old you are, where you are, and what you are trained to do.