Lost, and Now Found

At some point I lost myself.  I can’t tell you exactly when this was and I really don’t know how it happened.  When the stress of life piled on top and I felt like I couldn’t breathe anymore, it hit me.  Ok, nothing hit me. I fell flat on the floor. Okay, that’s a lie too. Nothing hit me, I didn’t fall, it was stress.  Stress will kill you by the way. My family was going through some changes. Some say trials and tribulations. I say…we was getting hit from all possible corners and I stepped back to re-evaluate some things in my life.  This re-evaluation did not come easy. I went kicking and screaming. There may have been a psychologist involved that assisted me through my tantrums. But all in all I realized something…well, it’s the type of realize that you kinda already know but you try to brush it under the rug.  I was finally awakened to the fact that I was so busy trying to take care and worry about everyone else that I had forgotten about taking care of myself. I have always put myself on the back burner…and believe me that is not a good idea. You get forgotten all the way in the back…people forget, including yourself, that the burner is still on.  It may not be on high, but it is left on simmer. And sitting in the back on a constant simmer is not good for anyone. And eventually the pot ends up with some crusty stuff on the bottom of it that we all know we would rather throw the pot away than to deal with the clean up job. Well, I couldn’t just throw myself away…so I had to deal with the clean up job.  This clean up job isn’t simple…it starts off by blaming others for leaving your ass on the back burner and forgetting. But then slowly as you begin to start the cleaning and getting through some layers, you realize at some point you put yourself in the back to begin with…and you allowed yourself to stay there while all the other pots up front got in, got out and got cleaned up (and all by you!).  In today’s age we call that taking care of our family…and it’s expected, prized, and we learn from watching others do it. Well…it was time to call it quits. It was time to learn to take care of myself. We talk about self-care like it’s easy, as if we are all doing it…but in reality I challenge many to take a good look and see if they really are. I know I wasn’t.